Sat, 14 Jul 2007 01:59:07 GMT

It's been a little over two years since I created this thing. Since then a lot has happened- most of it bad (or at least that's how it seems to me).

I had a wonderful relationship at the time this was created, but she left me via instant message in October. Not much closure there, and I was fairly broken up about it for a while. And then I got cancer.

It's kind of a shock to wake up in a hospital bed and have a surgeon walk right up to you and say "The biopsy went well, the growths are tumors. You have Hodgkin's Lymphoma." The shock is lessened slightly by the sedatives that are still in your system, but you'll still have to deal with it for the next six months. I've tried to put on a good show for this entire process- I don't want people pitying me, or feeling bad for me, or worrying about me. I just want to make sure I'm treated like I always have been- I've got a reputation as a reprehensible asshole to uphold. But admittedly, there are been moments of weakness. As if the end of a nearly two year relationship (for which there was no closure, and I'm fairly sure she lied to me about why she left me, and I'm also fairly sure she left me for some jackass whom I've met on one of my visits to her at A&M), and getting cancer weren't bad enough, depression has come back. Hard.

It shouldn't be such a big deal anymore- I've been clinically depressed for a full third of my life thus far. Which I think is understandable since I built my sound mental health on the idea that someone out there actually loved me, and I loved them. But this is what I get for basing my life on a relationship and not dealing with the fact that I hate pretty much everything about myself. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn't see any redeeming qualities about myself. I'd like to do something about that, but I really have no idea where to start. I'm afraid I'm just an asshole at heart, and if I did anything to change that, my friends would find me less interesting. I'm fairly certain I would.

The transition to UT was going OK before the whole break up situation. It was a difficult transition- I realized I had to study much harder than I ever did at Tyler, but just before it happened, I thought I was getting a grasp on the situation and turning things around. But the theme for the past year of my life has been getting close to doing something positive with my life, but then being sideswiped by some unforeseen disaster. I was turning school around just before Nicole left. And before I got cancer I was working out and eating well and trying to be healthy. I even gained a few pounds, which is unheard of (and healthy) for me. But I was quickly reminded that the universe does not want me to by content with my life.

Another, though minor, inconvenience was that my car damn near came apart on the road. Not that I mind this too much, but it was still annoying and I was without a car for a few weeks. (It was actually declared unfit to drive a day or two before I was diagnosed with cancer). And even though I got a (slightly) newer, better car out of it, it was still annoying, and one more thing to add to the growing list of disappointing, unfortunate events going on in my life.

And since she will never read this (since she doesn't do live journal, and neither does pretty much everyone I know), I guess it's safe to talk here. I had my heart broken for the second time in nine months just a week ago (actually a week ago tomorrow). A very dear friend of mine, whom I have been attracted to (and vice versa) for year, spent time together last Friday. It wasn't actually a date in any official sense- though I did pick her up, pay for dinner, and drive her home. But I really wanted it to be. After dinner we just spent time at my apartment- no one else was home, and we're both content with just taking it easy (since she works all the time and I'm the kind of guy who would rather stay in and spend time with someone close to him). I won't go in to any details, but I though the "date" went really well. And for the first time in over nine months, I actually felt something positive about my life. I woke up the next morning next to her, and something was different. I wasn't wishing I hadn't woken up. I wasn't feeling utterly useless. I felt like I belonged somewhere again. But later that day I got the "I just want to be friends" treatment. And now I'm afraid that (even though she has led me to believe that there may be a chance for us some time in the future), that I will never be with her- and that hurts. Surprisingly it hurts just as much as when Nicole left me. I don't know how that possible, but I miss her every day, and would really just give anything to be with her. But that's not how these things work. Really the only thing I can do is continue to be her friend.

It's funny- I've been in and out of the hospital, I've had two surgeries, seven chemo sessions, and had my summer generally ruined by this cancer bullshit- but what hurts the most is her. That's the thing I can't take right now. Had it been anyone else, I could have shrugged it off pretty easily. It would suck, but I would feel like this right now. I can't help but replay the situation over and over again (since I've got absolutely nothing to do during the day), and wonder what I did wrong. Did I do anything wrong? Could I have done anything differently? Does she just not want to be with me? Ever? I know that's not what she said (though she didn't really give a definite answer- just one that gives me a little hope for the future, but that wouldn't be the first time a girl let me down easy), and I do trust and believe her, but I don't exactly have the best track record when it comes to girls being honest with me whilst giving me bad news. I know it isn't possible for anyone, but if I just had a definite yes or no answer, I could have some idea of what to do. If the answer was "yes," I'd be more than happy to wait for her (I would be anxious for the time to actually come, but I could wait it out), and if it were a definite "no," I would hurt for a time (much like I'm doing right now), but I'd eventually try to move on. At the moment, I've got the worst of both situations- I hurt, but I'm still waiting for that time to come (even though I know there's a distinct possibility it never will- and never was going- to come).

And it's not like I'm just out looking for a relationship. I'm really only interested in being in a relationship with her. And I just wish there was something I could do about it. I hate feeling helpless. Maybe some random person reading this will think I'm just some kind of whiny fuck who can't get over his problems- and to an extent they would be right. But I've been trying very hard to make sure no one knows that all of this stuff is bothering me. But this latest heartache... I don't know, I just need to get all of this out there. Even if no one is going to read it.

Hmm...

Sat, 02 Jul 2005 07:15:35 GMT

I don't really intend on using this...ever. This is really just so I can dick around with other people's livejournals.

A place

Hmm...